I’m an introvert, so my principles of living are likely more conservative, boring and more strict than most people. However, these are the tenets I put in place for myself because as I grew up, matured, and got to know myself through interactions with people and experiences, these are the things that I, or my friends or relatives, kept getting murked by. So it made more sense to setup boundaries for myself and stick to my guns to keep from running into the same negative experiences again. For the most part, I’ve been able to keep to these boundaries, however, life is a twisting road and there’s multiple ways to get hemmed up in a mess, but these are my general principles.
No substance abuse
Life is serious. Stay coherent at all times. I never leave myself in a situation where I’m vulnerable for other people to take advantage of me or leave myself incapacitated in which I cannot make good decisions for myself. Doing drugs and alcohol is stupid and yes, weed is stupid too. I don’t believe that we do things for no reason. Everything in life can be explained in some way, whether we have the answer for it at the time or not, so I see substance use as self-annihilation. People do it because something is wrong with them, and they think self-medicating and pacifying with drugs and alcohol is the answer, including weed.
While weed in itself isn’t bad, weed + being an already irresponsible or a mentally vulnerable person is, which I find most people who smoke weed, especially profusely, are. Smoking weed just adds another layer of failure for a person who already runs on the mental spectrum because it adds another factor that they have no barometer of control. I never smoked regular cigarettes like Newports or drank alcohol beyond a wine cooler or wine for dinner (never drank beer because I thought it smelled like piss), but stopped smoking beedis after high school and weed in my early 30s. There’s just no logical reason to do any of it, in addition, that it just adds health problems later in life that one doesn’t need stacked on top of regular problems. I know a woman right now who sounds like a man because she’s smoked all her life, even until the walls of her room turned yellow, and is now suffering from COPD in her old age. It’s just not worth it.
Don’t associate with mouthbreathers and unnecessary people
Mouthbreathers are low-vibration people associated with low intelligence. Unnecessary people are those who don’t necessarily have a low intelligence, but live in such a way that their lifestyle is is a liability and a detriment to everyone around them. I stay away from them like kryptonite. Both have nothing to offer. Just toxic, negative, people in general. People who fall into either of these categories are:
- Drama queens – People who gossip and just serve chaos everywhere they go
- Narcissists – Blames others for their failures, puts others down, just overall the worst of humanity
- Complainers – People where everything’s a problem. I can’t listen to it.
- Emotional vampires – People who talk excessively, always negative, and crave attention. If I feel drained after speaking with you on a regular basis, I will cut you off.
- Attention whores – Main character syndrome. They always want everyone’s attention on them
- People with low self-esteem – If you don’t like yourself, how can you expect someone else to. Constantly needing my validation will make me not want to bother with you at all. No one cares as much as you think they do. Grow some balls
- People with little to no emotional regulation – I can’t stand people who just pop off at pettiness or feel like they’ve been “disrespected”. There’s other things in the world to be angry about.
- Drug addicts and alcoholics – Drugs and alcohol have the same effects. Both are annoying and embarrassing to be around these kinds of people.
- People with no money – My wallet is their wallet. Not doing it
- People who can’t sit with themselves – Consistently needing my presence is a great way for me to disappear. Forever.
- Hypersexuals – Grow up. I don’t care about your sexcapades. If you’re still fascinated by genitals at this point, you need psychological help.
- Neediness – You have both arms and legs like I do. Do whatever it is, yourself.
- Excessive talkers – Listening to someone talk for too long, without allowing others a turn, especially when it’s useless information, or small talk, will gradually turn from irritation to a full-blown migraine for me. I will physically walk away mid-conversation when I feel it’s reached a point of rudeness to preserve my sanity
- Liars and epic talers – If I catch you big-lying or embellishing in some epic story more than once, now every time you talk, I’m wondering what else you’re lying about. Nope. Not wasting my time with these kinds of people.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference
I don’t sit around worrying about things that are not within my control. I acknowledge the issue exists, and if it’s something I can’t change, then I adjust, re-plan and find a way to move around it. Or ignore it altogether if it’s something that can be ignored. I’m not going to sit ruminating on it.
Always have a backup
Never have just one of anything that is essential to living. I always keep more than one bank account. More than one computer. More than one phone. A real friend or relative to fall back if shit hits the fan.
Surround myself with forward people
There really is no other reason to have any other kinds of people around. The brain can only hold but so much information, so it’s best to surround myself with people who can feed my brain. There’s no need in surrounding myself with walking brainrots who I’ll eventually curb anyway.
Be independent. Depend on no one
I prioritize doing everything myself; asking for help is a last resort. Some people don’t like this, but throughout life, no one has ever come through for me, except my family. So, I’m not going to keep asking for help, hoping to eventually snag someone, when my chances are already low.
The best person who can take care of you is yourself and one thing someone else isn’t going to do, is prioritize you over them, especially if you’re not related; that includes spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends. Depending on others means I’m at their whim to give me what I need when they feel like it and when they think you should have it, and that just makes no logical sense to me. The hand that feeds you, can also starve you. Never allow yourself to be stuck dependent on anyone. Once you’re an adult from under your parents’ domain, you should immediately be socking stuff away for independence. Depending on them also makes some people feel that you’re at their beck and call or feel like you owe them something and will want something in return.
Be happy for others
I’m genuinely happy when others do good in the world. I will always be their cheerleader.
Don’t clean up after grown folks
Unless I’m a registered maid being paid for work, there is absolutely no reason any adult should be requesting me to clean up after them. None.
Don’t live beyond my means
Hard one because the financial landscape is always changing. What was $2.50 today could very well be $5 tomorrow and then I have to re-calibrate. But I keep a budget planner and leave myself a cushion. I also try to stay away from temptations and prioritize paying for annuals and lifetime subscriptions to save money. And for every physical item I want to get, I must move another item out. The last thing I want is more clutter.
Know when to stfu
Sometimes the best thing to do is keep quiet. When someone is incriminating themselves, just keep quiet and let them make a fool of themselves. When it’s time to step out of peoples’ way and let them do their thing, keep quiet and let them steer their chariot unless they ask for my help. Not every situation needs to have something said. Sometimes advice is bet given when it’s asked for and not arbitrarily given on my time clock.
Never tell your mother “No”
My Mom has always been supportive of everything I’ve done and was never negative. She always went out of her way for me, so I will always go out of my way for her.
Keep in contact with friends
Networking is essential. Unfortunately, we live in a world where we have to depend on each other. We don’t know everything, so it’s good to have friends and colleagues that can offer their services when I’m in need.
Home is my sanctuary
I don’t tell people where I live because my home is my place of solace to unwind. It’s clean, calm, tranquil and everything that makes me feel like sunshine jelly inside, is here. It is my creative, quiet, place designed by me surrounded by happy memories, books, and my hobbies. Unless you’re blood or a close friend, no one is allowed here.
Don’t fill silence with unnecessary noise
Silence is golden. I don’t talk unless I have something meaningful to say. I don’t make noise unless it’s a necessary evil for the task I’m doing. I like silence.
Have respect for others
Respond with the same energy people impose on me. I have the utmost respect for everyone and treat everyone kindly, until they give me a reason not to. And even in that case, I’m most likely to excuse myself and walk away because now you’ve made it all awkward.
Inspect your food
It might seem funny and petty, but anytime I am about to eat, I meticulously scan my plate. There is nothing more egregious than eating half a plate, and then finding a piece of hair or bug in my food. That is one thing that will send me.
Don’t stand in one place too long
I first learned this from a Jamaican friend 20 years ago when I used to hang out on the streets of New York with them. Things can change in an instant, so we would see other groups, associate for a few minutes, exchange necessary information if needed and then moved on. It is a practice I still keep up today. I don’t linger in places, not even a store. I get what I came to get and get out. I prioritize shopping online but if it’s a store, I come with my list and I go in and get out. I don’t stand around waiting for drama to happen.
Keep zero fucks in my pocket. Be unbothered
As an empathic person, I am always finding myself in other peoples shoes, however, in a lot of cases, this has led to my downfall. It’s taken a lot of self-reflection, discipline, and I’m still a work in progress, but I no longer allow people to guilt trip me into their cause. I’ve learned to care less and not let what people say get to me. I’ve stopped caring more about situations than the people who are actually affected are.
Keep personal business to myself
I don’t tell people I meet my personal business. I’ve learned all too well how they use it for ammunition against me.
Don’t argue with people or try to change them
I’m not in the business of changing people. I just let them do whatever and then walk away.
Stick to the shadows
I don’t like being the center of attention of anything. I like being alone in the background to do whatever I need to do. I just like to work on things and then hand people the finished product.
Cut people off
It’s easier now than ever to put peoples’ number on block or silent ring and they just disappear. I detox my mind of them by just delving into a really good video game for hours. I feel no way about cutting people off. They earned it.
Have a game plan for everything I want to accomplish
Far too many times I’ve had a goal and never reached it because I didn’t have a game plan. I’ve learned not having a plan and milestones, leaves the door too far open for things to derail my goals. If I have a published plan, it is easier for me to stick to it.
Don’t listen to people
Most people don’t know what they’re talking about. Listen to other peoples’ ideas, but don’t take it as the gospel. Incorporate their ideas into yours only if you find it useful but let the main idea of whatever it is, be yours.
I am a sovereign individual
The center of my being is that I’m a sovereign person, free to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I have agency over my own body. However, I also noticed that since I’ve incorporated this into my personality, it also pisses people off. It’s amazing how people don’t like it when you take charge of what you allow to happen to you. I’ve been called stuck-up or “too aggressive” for stating my own opinion. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a dark-skinned Black woman and that somehow I’m not allowed to be my own, because I’ve been in situations where I know if I were white, especially if I were a white man, said people wouldn’t have reacted in such disdain. People are actually extremely jealous of people who look like they have free agency of their lives, just because they never had that chance, or were too coward to themselves. Stop the gender-isms, age-isms, ability-isms, race-isms and whatever other -isms designed just to hinder people and put people in blocks, because all they do is keep people from even trying. If you’re alive, you can do whatever.
You get ONE life and you’re not coming back. There are no do-overs, and even if there were, you won’t remember your previous life for it to matter, so why waste this life caring what other people think or doing what they want you to do? It’s not logical. Be weird. Stay quirky.
Other principles:
Have high self-esteem
Don’t let how I feel about myself rest on the shoulders of others
The onus falls on me to be responsible for myself
Live with integrity
Stay away from magical thinking
Listen to and respect my elders no matter how mean they are
My financial problems are due to my own money mismanagement. Do better. Don’t do what I did before to land in that situation again
Don’t be careless. Think first before you move
Never let another person put fear in my heart. I fear no one
Don’t say I’m going to do something, I can’t commit to
Never trust a man and never feel sorry for one
When out, never let a man prepare your drink
Never trust white people because they don’t see me as a person
Never trust a white liberal because James Baldwin warned me
Always put Black people first because it will always reciprocate back to my community
Embrace other Black people (until they give me a reason not to)
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time, because Maya Angelou warned me
Have patience, but don’t wait too long
Be cautious of bandwagoning
Stay grounded when someone tries to convince me of their ideas
Be kind to others
Always critique and analyze myself
Be open to change my mind
Stand my ground …
Fuck society
Stay Black
