Anxiety has been really kicking my ass this last month. It started with a finger infection from a cuticle and now I have infections in my armpit from working out and sweating. I’ve never had anything like this, but I feel like it’s because of the condition of the apartment. He smokes infinitely, the apartment is full of dust and he has tools and just random things everywhere. He leaves plates of food out and gets mad at me for not cleaning it. Are you serious? And frankly, no amount of cleaning I can do will actually clean his house.
As I told him when I moved in, I don’t clean up behind grown folks.
I have several abscesses in my armpit and they’re sending my anxiety through the sky because they look disgusting, I basically have holes in my armpit and I don’t want them getting worse. The doctor put me on medication for 10 days (again) and said it’s not that bad but in the process I can’t find any calm. I wake up in the middle of the night with a high heart rate I guess because I’m either dreaming about something crazy or the anxiety is just permeating my sleep. But I also notice the apartment is hot, so that may be contributing as well because I don’t like heat when I’m trying to sleep. I like it cool and comfortable, and the boyfriend likes it hot.
I’ve learned health issues really send my anxiety. A nerve jump. A heart flutter. An eye twitch. It all sends me barreling down the void of “What if’s”. It’s the fear of making it worse if I don’t do the doctor’s instructions with pure perfection. I’m also grossed out and likely traumatized by seeing the blobs of pus come out the absesses. It’s also living with the boyfriend’s alcoholism and weaponized helplessness isn’t helping either; it only compounds it. How do people do it? How can you NOT feel like jumping out of your skin and running down the street? That’s what I feel like every second.
The last time my anxiety happened was during covid for obvious reasons and I got through by consulting a therapist who taught me grounding skills but I think I’m also more sensitive due to the season change. It stays dark forever now and there is less sun here in the north, it causes something called SAD, seasonal anxiety and depression, so I’ve read. It could be. It could be not, who knows. But when I’m glancing outside the window and constantly seeing darkness, I get antsy.
Right now, I’m at the laundromat washing my shirts and wash cloths. I’m going to be staying in the house trying to stay calm and clean through this. Maybe I’ll go to the library and find some good books to check out and read or better yet, find a game to play and disappear into it. Journaling like this helps too as it keeps my mind off things at least for a moment.